Rebuiding the Broad Street Bullies-Archie CB Philamal
Posted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 4:49 am
June 13 2019
The Philadelphia Flyers have a big announcement to make today. Managing Director Bob Clarke takes his place behind the microphone.
“Good afternoon all. Today is a big day in the history of the Flyers. As you all are very very aware of, this organization has absolutely sucked in the last decade and a half. We have tried to fly on the cheap ever since the death of our great, wonderful, and amazing super owner Ed Snider. Man I miss Ed…he was like a father, and husband to me. I know all of you are going to be skeptical of anything I have to say. I have been around here for so bloody long, and never won a darn thing since my playing days. However…I sure as hell know what I am doing, and I am going to reprove it to you all. Yes, I had pictures of Ed. And yes, I know this is my last chance”
"So….we are hopeful today that the hiring of our new General Manager, a kid from Saskabush Manitoba, who has absolutely no experience in the game of hockey. By the way, how the hell is that possible? He is from freaking Manitoba, and I have known him since he was born. Anyway, sorry my dementia is kicking in. Here today to talk to you about his plan for the Flyers…is our new GM…20 year old Archie C. B. Philamal. Archie…up you go, have fun in the cross hairs of all these wonderful media people. Oh…and hey Paulie (sees Paul Holmgren) how ya doing? Should we go for a drink and maybe dancing tonight? I have missed you bud."
Arhcie C B Philamal heads to the microphone amidst an incredibly long hug between Bobby and Paul.
“Good afternoon folks. I am here today to say that the Flyers need to return to their glory of almost 50 years ago. I expect this team to win, and I know how to make it happen. First of all, I would like to invite all of you to come up here and get a lollipop. That way if you buy into anything I say, I will know you are all SUCKERS".
"Moving on, I would say thanks to Bobby for this job, but I have seen the roster already. Oh boy I have my work cut out."
At least I have the core of this team in place. There is no question to me players like Jeff Carter,Drew Doughty and Nikita Zadorov will take the Flyers to the promised land...I think. I hope. .... Ummm okay maybe not. These guys might be 90 when we win. Thankfully Bobby gave me, like he does with all recreation hockey players who drink during their 2nd period intermission, a nice fat 10 year $2 million per year contract. What's that? Oh...you say I should have been a goalie, and I would have got a 10 year 500 million per year deal?" Oops."
"Now, the work that lies ahead. The coaching staff is a mess. I mean how does Bill Laurie (no offense Bill, I know you are watching on a couch in the furniture section of one of your stores) get a job coaching in the NHL? Dude runs Wal-Mart!! What the???
And why does this team have two goalie coaches?
"And why, in the name of Don Cherry and Mike Milbury, has this team not resigned Cody Hodgson, Sam Reinhart, Zigmus Girgensons, and David Clarkson just to name a few of our soon to be possible Free Agents. I am going to do my damnest in the next few days to get those guys under contract for the next couple of years. I just do not understand it. We gave Elliott a two year extension, but these guys got nothing? OH well…
Also…what is going on with scouting. This team is clearly too Don Cherry and Bobby Clarke. Wal mart guy must love those two. Sorry Bobby, but when it comes to winning hockey as a GM or leader…you are an idiot. I mean I am 20, play in a fantasy hockey league with you, and you freaking trade Gote Stenstrom (Vancouver superstar from Sweden) for freaking Alex Burrows? What? You are a moron, and not to mention you can never find a bloody goalie even in fantasy hockey. Gonna pick up Bryz for the 100th time? I mean the guy is only 50 and playing in Germany as a third stringer. Good luck Bob.
{Clarke looks furious}
“Any way guys…got to get moving here, tons of work to do. Have to sort out my coaching, scouting, trainers and players quickly and get ready for the draft. By the way…turns to the table of scouts….How the hell come you morons have no reports for me on the draft? You are bloody lucky I am watching TSN and know what Button says….I mean the guy has been to 2 games all year and he knows more than you. Not to mention, you seem to think Sportsnet and Kypreos know what they are talking about. Hey Bobby…how come you did not hire Maclean? I hear he knows what he is doing. He has only been fired by Florida, Columbus, The Islanders, Pittsburgh, and Chicago in the last 15 years.
Off we go to work…..see ya.
Philamal heads to his office.
First up calls in Laurie… "Hey Laurie, we would like you to take a bit of a demotion here, and work off your contract as an assistant coach for us. John Stevens over there, is chomping at the bit to get a head coaching gig, and you and I both know he does not know much, but he knows more than you. So it is time to see what he can do. We have not had him as head coach for awhile. Time for another chance. Oh...and here: Take this deal home (3 years for 1.6 per) to the old lady, and sit in the Wal Mart shoe section and figure out whether you want to stick around. No big deal either way."
Next…Rejean Lemelin comes in. Philamal fires him on the spot. "Reggie you suck poutine. Sammy (St. Laurent) may be old, but he knows rubbish way better than you about goalies. We do not need two. You are gone. Maybe the Flames will hire you, but I do not think that even they are that dumb."
On the phone…. I need a new assistant. I know, my dad's old buddy in England. What was his name? He has been coaching Bracknell over there in England. Team has been doing really well. Won the 2019 Premier League and the 2019 Premier Cup. Maybe just maybe he will sign on to be an assist here. But it will cost a few bucks. Meh…Bobby can pay em in teeth. Oh yeah, it is Wren, like Ren and Stimpy. Heh, hope he is a little smarter. I mean he hung out with my old man for a long time.
Wren Moreland knows his stuff. I offered Wren a deal as an assistant, and will gladly pay Bracknell a few bucks for him. Stick it Bobby!!
Next up I need a scout in Europe and some players.
4 HOURS PASS....
I am getting ready for bed now. Which means, a beer and some beef jerkey and a pack of skittles.
The thoughts for my diary in my head: Oh…wow. That was a busy day. I am exhausted. I do not think I have been up so early since I was 8. I just offered 16 contracts. 12 to pending RFAs who have not even had a qualifying offer. Bobby…what the hell were you and Wal-Mart doing…a Dale Tallon? Jesus.
God I hope Hodgson, Girgensons, Reinhart, Nikitin, Clarkson, Colliton and Oleksiak sign up. Or we are going to be in even bigger trouble than I thought.
At least I have got a couple offers in to scouts. Not much to choose from. All the good ones have deals already. Offered a deal to a dude in Sweden, one in Finland, one in Slovakia, one in Czech and one in Austria. I really hope I can sign the dude from Sweden or Finland, but I cannot even recall their names…so darn average and useless. But we need someone over there, be damned with Bobby and his idiocy. I can only afford to hire one of these guys. Hopefully I get one that speaks English.
Man, Wal Mart guy was not happy I wanted to move him down to assistant, but …. Duh…you think you can diagram a practice by moving around which aisles you have open. Moron. Oh well, he will learn from Johnny I hope. That is if Johnny has learned anything. He sure was happy. Thought he was going to.... right in front of me. Thank god he did not. Wish I could have canned Billy, but I have at least a couple other idiots to go before him. He can at least teach something out there. I think.
Falls asleep and spills beer all over the floor.
The Philadelphia Flyers have a big announcement to make today. Managing Director Bob Clarke takes his place behind the microphone.
“Good afternoon all. Today is a big day in the history of the Flyers. As you all are very very aware of, this organization has absolutely sucked in the last decade and a half. We have tried to fly on the cheap ever since the death of our great, wonderful, and amazing super owner Ed Snider. Man I miss Ed…he was like a father, and husband to me. I know all of you are going to be skeptical of anything I have to say. I have been around here for so bloody long, and never won a darn thing since my playing days. However…I sure as hell know what I am doing, and I am going to reprove it to you all. Yes, I had pictures of Ed. And yes, I know this is my last chance”
"So….we are hopeful today that the hiring of our new General Manager, a kid from Saskabush Manitoba, who has absolutely no experience in the game of hockey. By the way, how the hell is that possible? He is from freaking Manitoba, and I have known him since he was born. Anyway, sorry my dementia is kicking in. Here today to talk to you about his plan for the Flyers…is our new GM…20 year old Archie C. B. Philamal. Archie…up you go, have fun in the cross hairs of all these wonderful media people. Oh…and hey Paulie (sees Paul Holmgren) how ya doing? Should we go for a drink and maybe dancing tonight? I have missed you bud."
Arhcie C B Philamal heads to the microphone amidst an incredibly long hug between Bobby and Paul.
“Good afternoon folks. I am here today to say that the Flyers need to return to their glory of almost 50 years ago. I expect this team to win, and I know how to make it happen. First of all, I would like to invite all of you to come up here and get a lollipop. That way if you buy into anything I say, I will know you are all SUCKERS".
"Moving on, I would say thanks to Bobby for this job, but I have seen the roster already. Oh boy I have my work cut out."
At least I have the core of this team in place. There is no question to me players like Jeff Carter,Drew Doughty and Nikita Zadorov will take the Flyers to the promised land...I think. I hope. .... Ummm okay maybe not. These guys might be 90 when we win. Thankfully Bobby gave me, like he does with all recreation hockey players who drink during their 2nd period intermission, a nice fat 10 year $2 million per year contract. What's that? Oh...you say I should have been a goalie, and I would have got a 10 year 500 million per year deal?" Oops."
"Now, the work that lies ahead. The coaching staff is a mess. I mean how does Bill Laurie (no offense Bill, I know you are watching on a couch in the furniture section of one of your stores) get a job coaching in the NHL? Dude runs Wal-Mart!! What the???
And why does this team have two goalie coaches?
"And why, in the name of Don Cherry and Mike Milbury, has this team not resigned Cody Hodgson, Sam Reinhart, Zigmus Girgensons, and David Clarkson just to name a few of our soon to be possible Free Agents. I am going to do my damnest in the next few days to get those guys under contract for the next couple of years. I just do not understand it. We gave Elliott a two year extension, but these guys got nothing? OH well…
Also…what is going on with scouting. This team is clearly too Don Cherry and Bobby Clarke. Wal mart guy must love those two. Sorry Bobby, but when it comes to winning hockey as a GM or leader…you are an idiot. I mean I am 20, play in a fantasy hockey league with you, and you freaking trade Gote Stenstrom (Vancouver superstar from Sweden) for freaking Alex Burrows? What? You are a moron, and not to mention you can never find a bloody goalie even in fantasy hockey. Gonna pick up Bryz for the 100th time? I mean the guy is only 50 and playing in Germany as a third stringer. Good luck Bob.
{Clarke looks furious}
“Any way guys…got to get moving here, tons of work to do. Have to sort out my coaching, scouting, trainers and players quickly and get ready for the draft. By the way…turns to the table of scouts….How the hell come you morons have no reports for me on the draft? You are bloody lucky I am watching TSN and know what Button says….I mean the guy has been to 2 games all year and he knows more than you. Not to mention, you seem to think Sportsnet and Kypreos know what they are talking about. Hey Bobby…how come you did not hire Maclean? I hear he knows what he is doing. He has only been fired by Florida, Columbus, The Islanders, Pittsburgh, and Chicago in the last 15 years.
Off we go to work…..see ya.
Philamal heads to his office.
First up calls in Laurie… "Hey Laurie, we would like you to take a bit of a demotion here, and work off your contract as an assistant coach for us. John Stevens over there, is chomping at the bit to get a head coaching gig, and you and I both know he does not know much, but he knows more than you. So it is time to see what he can do. We have not had him as head coach for awhile. Time for another chance. Oh...and here: Take this deal home (3 years for 1.6 per) to the old lady, and sit in the Wal Mart shoe section and figure out whether you want to stick around. No big deal either way."
Next…Rejean Lemelin comes in. Philamal fires him on the spot. "Reggie you suck poutine. Sammy (St. Laurent) may be old, but he knows rubbish way better than you about goalies. We do not need two. You are gone. Maybe the Flames will hire you, but I do not think that even they are that dumb."
On the phone…. I need a new assistant. I know, my dad's old buddy in England. What was his name? He has been coaching Bracknell over there in England. Team has been doing really well. Won the 2019 Premier League and the 2019 Premier Cup. Maybe just maybe he will sign on to be an assist here. But it will cost a few bucks. Meh…Bobby can pay em in teeth. Oh yeah, it is Wren, like Ren and Stimpy. Heh, hope he is a little smarter. I mean he hung out with my old man for a long time.
Wren Moreland knows his stuff. I offered Wren a deal as an assistant, and will gladly pay Bracknell a few bucks for him. Stick it Bobby!!
Next up I need a scout in Europe and some players.
4 HOURS PASS....
I am getting ready for bed now. Which means, a beer and some beef jerkey and a pack of skittles.
The thoughts for my diary in my head: Oh…wow. That was a busy day. I am exhausted. I do not think I have been up so early since I was 8. I just offered 16 contracts. 12 to pending RFAs who have not even had a qualifying offer. Bobby…what the hell were you and Wal-Mart doing…a Dale Tallon? Jesus.
God I hope Hodgson, Girgensons, Reinhart, Nikitin, Clarkson, Colliton and Oleksiak sign up. Or we are going to be in even bigger trouble than I thought.
At least I have got a couple offers in to scouts. Not much to choose from. All the good ones have deals already. Offered a deal to a dude in Sweden, one in Finland, one in Slovakia, one in Czech and one in Austria. I really hope I can sign the dude from Sweden or Finland, but I cannot even recall their names…so darn average and useless. But we need someone over there, be damned with Bobby and his idiocy. I can only afford to hire one of these guys. Hopefully I get one that speaks English.
Man, Wal Mart guy was not happy I wanted to move him down to assistant, but …. Duh…you think you can diagram a practice by moving around which aisles you have open. Moron. Oh well, he will learn from Johnny I hope. That is if Johnny has learned anything. He sure was happy. Thought he was going to.... right in front of me. Thank god he did not. Wish I could have canned Billy, but I have at least a couple other idiots to go before him. He can at least teach something out there. I think.
Falls asleep and spills beer all over the floor.